Lets talk about business.
Network Events. Happy Hours. Socials. Mixers. Cocktail Parties. Luncheons. 15 Minute Coffees.
I’m at a bar with two or three friends- expected to mingle with strangers in order to network. Instead it’s much like homecoming in high school: us huddled around a spot watching others do the same. One brave one approaches. He introduces himself, vomits stock questions, and finally offers his business card.
Next month, as I’m cleaning out my wallet, I throw the business card away.
Asshole move, huh? Next time, run through your cell phone contacts and ask yourself, when was the last time you talked to this person, or more prudently, called you? More than a month, this hot shot is getting tossed.
The connection was never made.
I recall on Facebook.com how certain acquaintances had friends in the upper bounds of 600 to 1000. But really? Does that say that you are a popular guy, or that nobody really knows you? With all those friends per se, how many really know your mistakes, errors, embarrassing moments, and generally your story? In essence, not how many, but who has a genuine relationship with you?
Maybe a handful, I suspect, out of hundreds of facebook friends know the real you.
One friend speaks about how she got to know some real chill people at an event and got their contact info at the end. She calls that Sunday to hang out, catch a movie, or a grab a brew. Instead of the expectation of forging a friendship, they were caught off guard and replied as if they were unavailable. In translation, it meant in an inquiry tone, “why are you calling me?” This suggests the expectation in exchanging contact information was only meant for business purposes. So what that means to her: feeling like an ass–naive and foolish.
Networking. If you are not naturally charismatic like most of us, it’s a pain and leaves you feeling powerless.
I read a book called Never Eat Alone. A chef at the U-Club at Mizzou, where I worked half of my college career, lent me a book, seeing that it might speak to me. I read it, ate it, reprocessed it, and did it again. It was an empowering piece of words and sentences. I attempted to thank him for lending it to me and offered to give it back. He said nay. Instead, he spoke of someone handing it down to him, and was asked to pass it down to a person he saw something in.
The basic premise of the book is to approach business and career one relationship at a time; more specifically, genuine relationships. Its basic message suggests that empathy and reciprocity play an interdependent role in developing a robust network of people. Rather than go to networking events to speak to strangers about your self-interested goals and wants, this book suggests building, or forging relationships on a one-on-one basis in order to establish trust–the ultimate foundation to any financial future.
That means going out to lunches with co-workers who have nothing to do with your field. It means seeking out people and following up on them, up and down in the ladder. Its a 5 minute conversation, where you really hit a note with that person about common experiences. It’s small talk between projects. It’s asking about their lives, seeking how to be of service to them, not you. It’s empathy towards their shortcomings, scruples, failures, mistakes, clumsiness, and awkwardness. It’s returning the favor by taking someone you can mentor and taking them to lunch. More importantly, its working on your shyness, developing your social skills, managing anxiety and sense of bldiscomfortenes.
What you want to come out of any interaction is the desire of that person to continue the dialogue or conversation, i.e. following up. They wouldn’t mind having lunch, or talking, or having time to spend with you in the future. In fact, they will ask you for your business cards for them to follow up with you.
In a city where narcissism and self-entitlement comes in the form of career and ambition, building relationships is sometimes met with frustration and apathy. Where people may use you as a utility, it’s hard to judge who is real and who is not. But people, quickly, in less than 20 seconds, can read others fairly accurately.
The false pretenses of friendship has a distinct feel about it. Often people who front a bit are hesitant to reveal themselves, show vulnerability, or talk about fears, mistakes, or insecurities. This goes back to trust. I can understand the reluctance to exposing yourself to a complete stranger. But hey, give a little. You take a step, they take half. You take two steps, they take one and half steps with you. You know what I mean, jelly bean?
So we come back to the issue of trust. As mentioned, its a valuable part to every form of human interaction, especially in the arena of business. You could be an asshole, and bully your way up to the top. But boy after a failed marriage, shallow friends, and children who hate you, you have a house full of stuff and that’s it.
I personally find that those who prioritize people and relationships foremost tend to be happier, more successful, and a very attractive quality: comfortable in their own skins. It’s a blast talking to these rare souls. After talking to them, you have this no-duh moment about success and happiness.
The secret to success and happiness is…..
If you haven’t figure it out by the end of this blog, go back to square one: call your parents and have a real conversation with them. Duh McFly!
