Business Talk

Lets talk about business.

Network Events. Happy Hours. Socials. Mixers. Cocktail Parties. Luncheons. 15 Minute Coffees.

I’m at a bar with two or three friends- expected to mingle with strangers in order to network. Instead it’s much like homecoming in high school: us huddled around a spot watching others do the same. One brave one approaches. He introduces himself, vomits stock questions, and finally offers his business card.

Next month, as I’m cleaning out my wallet, I throw the business card away.

Asshole move, huh? Next time, run through your cell phone contacts and ask yourself, when was the last time you talked to this person, or more prudently, called you? More than a month, this hot shot is getting tossed.

The connection was never made.

I recall on Facebook.com how certain acquaintances had friends in the upper bounds of 600 to 1000. But really? Does that say that you are a popular guy, or that nobody really knows you? With all those friends per se, how many really know your mistakes, errors, embarrassing moments, and generally your story? In essence, not how many, but who has a genuine relationship with you?

Maybe a handful, I suspect, out of hundreds of facebook friends know the real you.

One friend speaks about how she got to know some real chill people at an event and got their contact info at the end. She calls that Sunday to hang out, catch a movie, or a grab a brew. Instead of the expectation of forging a friendship, they were caught off guard and replied as if they were unavailable. In translation, it meant in an inquiry tone, “why are you calling me?” This suggests the expectation in exchanging contact information was only meant for business purposes. So what that means to her: feeling like an ass–naive and foolish.

Networking. If you are not naturally charismatic like most of us, it’s a pain and leaves you feeling powerless.

I read a book called Never Eat Alone. A chef at the U-Club at Mizzou, where I worked half of my college career, lent me a book, seeing that it might speak to me. I read it, ate it, reprocessed it, and did it again. It was an empowering piece of words and sentences. I attempted to thank him for lending it to me and offered to give it back. He said nay. Instead, he spoke of someone handing it down to him, and was asked to pass it down to a person he saw something in.

The basic premise of the book is to approach business and career one relationship at a time; more specifically, genuine relationships. Its basic message suggests that empathy and reciprocity play an interdependent role in developing a robust network of people. Rather than go to networking events to speak to strangers about your self-interested goals and wants, this book suggests building, or forging relationships on a one-on-one basis in order to establish trust–the ultimate foundation to any financial future.

That means going out to lunches with co-workers who have nothing to do with your field. It means seeking out people and following up on them, up and down in the ladder. Its a 5 minute conversation, where you really hit a note with that person about common experiences. It’s small talk between projects. It’s asking about their lives, seeking how to be of service to them, not you. It’s empathy towards their shortcomings, scruples, failures, mistakes, clumsiness, and awkwardness. It’s returning the favor by taking someone you can mentor and taking them to lunch. More importantly, its working on your shyness, developing your social skills, managing anxiety and sense of bldiscomfortenes.

What you want to come out of any interaction is the desire of that person to continue the dialogue or conversation, i.e. following up. They wouldn’t mind having lunch, or talking, or having time to spend with you in the future. In fact, they will ask you for your business cards for them to follow up with you.

In a city where narcissism and self-entitlement comes in the form of career and ambition, building relationships is sometimes met with frustration and apathy. Where people may use you as a utility, it’s hard to judge who is real and who is not. But people, quickly, in less than 20 seconds, can read others fairly accurately.

The false pretenses of friendship has a distinct feel about it. Often people who front a bit are hesitant to reveal themselves, show vulnerability, or talk about fears, mistakes, or insecurities. This goes back to trust. I can understand the reluctance to exposing yourself to a complete stranger. But hey, give a little. You take a step, they take half. You take two steps, they take one and half steps with you. You know what I mean, jelly bean?

So we come back to the issue of trust. As mentioned, its a valuable part to every form of human interaction, especially in the arena of business. You could be an asshole, and bully your way up to the top. But boy after a failed marriage, shallow friends, and children who hate you, you have a house full of stuff and that’s it.

I personally find that those who prioritize people and relationships foremost tend to be happier, more successful, and a very attractive quality: comfortable in their own skins. It’s a blast talking to these rare souls. After talking to them, you have this no-duh moment about success and happiness.

The secret to success and happiness is…..

If you haven’t figure it out by the end of this blog, go back to square one: call your parents and have a real conversation with them. Duh McFly!

Crush

“For a man, a platonic friend is a woman you was trying to fuck, made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the ‘friend-zone’. Oh no! I’m in the friend-zone!”–Chris Rock

A lot of men have been here, at least once. You go out with your best friend to dinner. She’s upset about her lame boyfriend for some reason. After a good amount of eating, laughing, and paying, you end up at your house where she gives you a giant hug, a kiss on the cheek, and lovely goodbye. “Thanks, you’re my best friend. There’s no one else who would understand.” During this ritual, again, you find yourself yelling inside your head, “Kiss her, you puss!” But you don’t. Instead you see her walking to her car, shutting the door, and driving to the guy she’s seeing. Good guy: 0 Bad boy: 1

Kicking yourself in the ass, begging the question , ‘why do the jerks get the girl?’ More importantly, ‘why not me?’ As you ponder, you rub one out, maybe two for good measure, and continue your quest on World of Warcraft. With a light bulb above your squirrelly head, you get it: I’ll just be a jerk myself. Ha! Next time she calls up, I’ll just not answer. Next time she wants to hang out, I am too busy or I got plans. Next time we talk, act asshole cool.

Yeah right; a lot of us know how this ends. We feel phony trying to act like a jerk. She knows it’s phony. She doesn’t even response to it like you wanted her to. Instead you got an angry woman leaving a message on your voice mail, explaining how stupid you are acting.

Wait; rewind back. How did you get into this mess? Where was the wrongturn? I listened to her. She flirted with me. I always was there for her. I treated her so good. Damn it.

Many guys approach ‘dating’ women through the friendship route, hoping to one day she’ll dump that loser boyfriend that you acted so nice to, but really didn’t like. You’re waiting around for that opportunity–like a lion in the brush. It has the lowest amount of risk in terms of rejection, with highest amount of denial associated with it. “Naw really, she’s my best friend. I am different from other guys…I can have platonic relationships.” In the mean time, you convince yourself of this BS, and in reality you think by showing her how a real guy treats her, that she’ll do the math and end up with you.

You insist that a sign of progress towards being with her is when she confesses her deepest darkest secret: her abortion, when she was raped, sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, or what have you–list goes on because good guys are good for the shoulder to cry on.

So shouldn’t that mean anything? Isn’t that a indicator that she’s warming up to you? Nope because you’re still a good friend, and just a good friend.

This friendship route typically does not work. You have that awkward conservation where basically you declare your undying love for her. You laid it all out there on the table. And…nothing. A desperate move, Napoleon. Coming in terms of realty sets in. And now it’s time to ponder this whole matter.

Why do you find yourself at this place again? Even if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, how come nothing happens? Why is so easy for the bad boys to do it, while you play five knuckle shuffle?

Good questions, introspective-you. At least now, you are reflecting instead of committing the same mistakes, thinking you will have different results. That my friend, is the definition of insanity. Let’s examine.

You’re attracted to nutty girls, or projects

How do you know if you are into the nutty girls or you caught her during a phase?Well first, you’re going have to ask yourself, ultimately, what is she attracted to and why, in order to figure out the nature of this kind of woman, which in turn, answers why you are so attracted to nutty girls, projects, or psychos. This helps understand why you ended up in the friend zone, while the ‘bad’ boyfriend get laid.For some girls, it just getting caught up with a bad boy and having one or two bad relationships. After them, it’s out of their system, and the girls end up having a good guy later on. A lot girls go through their bad boy phase during their young adult life. And you got in the cross fire of it.

But if you are dealing with a girl who typically dated bad boys in the past? It speaks volumes about her past. This is the biggest clue that can answer who/what she’s attracted to–chaos, alcoholics/drug addicts, abuse, trauma, extreme amounts of arousal(dangerous kinky sex), drama– you may have a nutty girl on your hands.

According to Dr. Drew Pinsky M.D., Board Certified Physician and Addiction Medical Specialist and co-host of Loveline radio show, ‘whatever was terrorizing growing up becomes overwhelming attractive later on.’

For example, growing up with an abusive father or lack of a father setups up girls with an overwhelming powerful attraction towards abandoning, unavailable men–emotionally, physically, or both. In other words, Cindy melts for Johnny when he doesn’t call back, or he gets jealous and punches the guy who flirted with Cindy at the party.

That’s chaos.

Typically, the more trauma she experiences at the hands of her family, the more likely she’s attracted to chaotic relationships. It manifests in the fights she always talked to you about, the late night phone calls and tears, and always delightful returning to the boyfriend. The emotions are everywhere and are hardly contained or effectively regulated.

Here’ a scenario that some men run across: after a series of bad relationships with the bad boys, she does the math and wants a good guy now. Great! Here’s your chance, right? Well, maybe you’re looking at an uphill battle. The attraction towards chaos is wired in pretty good. A nice, stable relationship is and can very well be uncomfortable for her because it means vulnerability, stability, and real intimacy–things that lacked before growing up are now in front of her, full swing. Now a relationship can happen, but it’s going to be challenging.

Even if you do get things rolling, she may throw a wretch in the relationship: she will pick fights with you (nothing fights), find you annoying for doing good things, and ultimately attempt to sabotage a relationship by cheating, or enticing you to cheat, pushing you away, or so on.

The family system really plays a big role in people’s relationships towards each other. People’s interpersonal relationships towards their significant others and their friends gives huge clues to the nature of people and their experiences. Parents who don’t create a stable environment and reciprocate in their children emotional development find the past tends to repeat itself over and over again. For example, dad abandoned the family young, and she gets knocked up to a meathead boyfriend who, shockingly, was nowhere to be found when the pregnancy test cames back positive. Hakuna Matata – the circle of life, ladies and gentlemen.

In a nutshell: She ain’t into you and probably won’t ever. You are not going to be picked up by her radar–it’s set to a different vib, which isn’t you. It was casted a long time ago before you, and that’s reality.

Oh, the Embarrassing, Awkward, and Clumsy Years known as High School

Attraction for a guy works far more primitive and simpler.Typically, a guy is into is a good looking woman and that’s basically it. What attracts a guys more or less is the same from guy to guy. Easy on the eyes, the right curves, and a good size,then some differ in preference (boob v butt). But for the dorky guy crushing on the bad girl, here’s what’s spinning his wheels: sex. Shocking, isn’t it?See, the thing is that the bad girl projects sexuality as if she is open for business, kind of like what the bad boy does. Her vib puts it out there: I am hot, and you know it. So your ‘in’ is a friendship with her. This strategy is where a lot guys get stuck.

Here’s the thing: if she dealt with a lot stuff growing up, chances are it did a good number to her. Chaos and trauma, many times, develops what is called borderline split-personality syndrome (not be confused with split-personality). A key characteristic of a borderline is when she can be sexual with a bad guy, but can only open up to a good guy. Those two components can’t be brought together with a good guy because as some may express, “I can’t have sex with you, your my best friend. That would be weird.” This is like walking into a steakhouse, thinking you can eat, but the entire time is spent in the waiting area, watching that bad boy chow down some food and asking yourself, ‘when is my turn?’

Another interesting point is that you are attracted to projects because you want to fix them. You want to be that knight in shining armor. Part of this whole thing, crushing, is wanting to play doctor, and idealizing her as a distress princess. This places her on a pedestal, instead of seeing her in terms of reality: she’s got issues to deal with and you can’t fix them for her.

Fixing doesn’t work. Playing knight effectively puts you in the friend zone because of that trust you build. I understand you want to develop that trust, but you not being present emotionally. Instead you’re trying to fix, not listen to her. Besides you can’t fix her because you don’t have the education, experience, training, or expertise to do so. To believe so is naive and foolish. It’s like saying you flip a broken down house with just your hammer and a class in wood shop. Furthermore, if you focus on playing doctor, you don’t focus on your stuff. It’s a way to conveniently distract yourself from your issues.

So you make a move: roses, poetry, letters, gifts, etc. Result: nothing, but an awkward embarrassment. You do that thing, “oh our friendship means a lot to me. So I got you some chocolates.” But it’s more like what Chris Rock famously said when a guy goes out of his way to do something nice, “Want some dick?”

When a girls says, “I hate romantic things. Gifts, flowers, chocolates. All of it,thumbs down.” or something to that effect—GIFTS ARE THE HALLMARK OF THE GOOD GUY!!!! Run. Run. Run. This girl is not good for you.

But you still give a gift that Christmas, rationalizing it’s Christmas, and she’s your friend.

You see, the roses, letters, and the theater of asking her out, you think is romantic, but she thinks that’s all uncomfortable and your a spas. More so, it screams out: virgin. Bad girls don’t get excited over a virgin undying love, romantic poems, or vibrant flowers. They get excited over drama, chaos, and sex.

Declare a Major

If you are attracted to a girl, go ahead a declare yourself early on. That means putting yourself out there and expressing some interest. Slow down, though. It doesn’t mean lay it all out there as soon you have a chance because that’s desperate, and that’s like a sunk to a girl. The movie, Office Space, when Ron Livingston asks out Jeniffer Aniston is good example of non-spastic way of asking a girl out. In fact, be less like Duckie from Sixteen Candles and be more like, “the rated R guy you are not that sure about.” thank you Swingers.

With some final words about bad boys, girls, and good guys, I know I am generalizing heavily, but if someone pulled me aside when I was a teenager and gave me a heads up, it would saved me a lot energy, and bruises to the ego, and not to mentioned a lot embarrassing moments. And also, I am playing with the odds here on human nature. In Vegas, the house usually wins.

About bad boys: not all bad boys are jerks or assholes. They are just more effective in getting the girl because they are able to interact in their terms, which means interacting like an 18 year old. Or they just plainly have more confidence.

About nutty girls: not every nutty girl is doomed to have bad relationships either. In fact, in a relationship, some of that energy can be a source of renewal, passion, and refreshing pool of motivation. It maybe a source of excitement and adventure that carries on for a long time.

About good guys: staying focus on building yourself into a better student, worker, human, or whatever, and you’ll have a payday. The hot girl who wouldn’t give you a time and day a year ago might now look you up when you have a managerial job, or doing what you love to do as a job. Building yourself better is building confidence. And that trumps almost everything.

Are Guys Idiots; Are Girls Are Crazy?

Guys Are Idiots & Girls Are Crazy…

Or is there more to that statement? The hyperlink above is a fellow respectful author who brings up an interesting claim.

As many college graduates come to realize, the real world has one obvious gift and/or curse: a lot free time. In between working or trying to find work, the day is filled with many boring, disengaging, and unsatisfying tasks. To stay relatively steady and zen, writing medicates the nulling pain of boredom. It provides a way to talk about what’s pressing on the mind. And like so many of males, we think about girls, sex, and trying obtain both at the same time. For those who are successful in accomplishing said goals, we, then have a opinion on it.

To add to my colleague’s blog, guys are not necessarily just idiots nor are girls entirely crazy–yet you guys are everywhere. Typically, guys tend to be more lame and simple–easy to figure out–then just idiots. And girls tend to be more complex, and are different from one to another. Put it this way: guys are like a simple hand cranks; not hard to work out. Whereas women are complex machines like a Porsches, Ferraris, or Lamborghinis–you have to warm them up just right, drive them like their made for, shift the gears the right way, and be maintain properly–a lot things are going here.

Our genes, XX and XY chromosomes, may provide insight to gender differences and to the hand cranks and sport cars analogy. The female chromosome, XX, has so much more genetic material packed into it’s structure than that of the male, XY. Put it more simply: the four legs that make up the ‘X’ in the female’s genes, only makes up three in a male, the ‘Y’. The extra leg contains extra genetic material a female’s biology uses to experience the world. This may suggest a reason for why groups of women can experience things much more diversely and differently from one another. Males tend to experience things very similarly and uniformly. For example, my old history teacher noted that he his travels across the world, two things he always talked about to any guy were a) women, and b) sports–shocking isn’t it?

One example to illustrate the relationship between genes and experiences in gender is the orgasm. All men are built to ejaculate to orgasm during sexual activities with a partner. Dr. Drew Pinsky, M.D. explains on his radio talk show that 50% to 60% of women experience an orgasm through oral sex, 30% to 35% experience through intercourse, and 15% to 20% never experience an orgasm. It gets even more complex with the women who experience the orgasm during intercourse. Within that 30% to 35%, many women may experienced sequential orgasm: one orgasm, then retraction (waiting) period, then orgasm and so on. And many may experience the phenomenon known as multi-orgasms; where her orgasms are in quick 15 to 30 second spurts and don’t stop till exhaustion. Females who tend not enjoy the oral sex because of sensitivity tend to experience orgasm through intercourse and maybe multi-orgasmic. Being so diverse and different, what works with one woman may not work with the next, hence the importance of communication with your partners. Furthermore, the diversity of the female’s biology and her orgasm challenges the notion many women magazines write about, ‘a woman’s 101 ways to feel the big ‘O’ or how to achieve satisfaction with these five tips…’ It’s more to do with finding out her biology than some magazine’s methods or special oral sex technique.

In closing men’s genetic makeup may suggests their simplicity via smaller amount of genetic material to experience the world visa vie Y chromosome; whereas women’s biology may lend itself to their diversity and varying reports on how they feel about an experience like an orgasm. Many may cite and agree how stupid guys are or how crazy girls are in terms of their relationships. Men as idiots maybe due to their dominate preoccupation with getting laid and consistently overriding reason and logic in the pursuit of said, ‘getting laid.’ While women as crazy maybe due to a complex relationship between father-daughter relationship during childhood/early adolescence, repeated interpersonal trauma in family system, and then reenactment of trauma through bad boyfriends. Indeed a lot of time on my hands.