Crush

“For a man, a platonic friend is a woman you was trying to fuck, made a wrong turn somewhere, and ended up in the ‘friend-zone’. Oh no! I’m in the friend-zone!”–Chris Rock

A lot of men have been here, at least once. You go out with your best friend to dinner. She’s upset about her lame boyfriend for some reason. After a good amount of eating, laughing, and paying, you end up at your house where she gives you a giant hug, a kiss on the cheek, and lovely goodbye. “Thanks, you’re my best friend. There’s no one else who would understand.” During this ritual, again, you find yourself yelling inside your head, “Kiss her, you puss!” But you don’t. Instead you see her walking to her car, shutting the door, and driving to the guy she’s seeing. Good guy: 0 Bad boy: 1

Kicking yourself in the ass, begging the question , ‘why do the jerks get the girl?’ More importantly, ‘why not me?’ As you ponder, you rub one out, maybe two for good measure, and continue your quest on World of Warcraft. With a light bulb above your squirrelly head, you get it: I’ll just be a jerk myself. Ha! Next time she calls up, I’ll just not answer. Next time she wants to hang out, I am too busy or I got plans. Next time we talk, act asshole cool.

Yeah right; a lot of us know how this ends. We feel phony trying to act like a jerk. She knows it’s phony. She doesn’t even response to it like you wanted her to. Instead you got an angry woman leaving a message on your voice mail, explaining how stupid you are acting.

Wait; rewind back. How did you get into this mess? Where was the wrongturn? I listened to her. She flirted with me. I always was there for her. I treated her so good. Damn it.

Many guys approach ‘dating’ women through the friendship route, hoping to one day she’ll dump that loser boyfriend that you acted so nice to, but really didn’t like. You’re waiting around for that opportunity–like a lion in the brush. It has the lowest amount of risk in terms of rejection, with highest amount of denial associated with it. “Naw really, she’s my best friend. I am different from other guys…I can have platonic relationships.” In the mean time, you convince yourself of this BS, and in reality you think by showing her how a real guy treats her, that she’ll do the math and end up with you.

You insist that a sign of progress towards being with her is when she confesses her deepest darkest secret: her abortion, when she was raped, sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend, or what have you–list goes on because good guys are good for the shoulder to cry on.

So shouldn’t that mean anything? Isn’t that a indicator that she’s warming up to you? Nope because you’re still a good friend, and just a good friend.

This friendship route typically does not work. You have that awkward conservation where basically you declare your undying love for her. You laid it all out there on the table. And…nothing. A desperate move, Napoleon. Coming in terms of realty sets in. And now it’s time to ponder this whole matter.

Why do you find yourself at this place again? Even if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, how come nothing happens? Why is so easy for the bad boys to do it, while you play five knuckle shuffle?

Good questions, introspective-you. At least now, you are reflecting instead of committing the same mistakes, thinking you will have different results. That my friend, is the definition of insanity. Let’s examine.

You’re attracted to nutty girls, or projects

How do you know if you are into the nutty girls or you caught her during a phase?Well first, you’re going have to ask yourself, ultimately, what is she attracted to and why, in order to figure out the nature of this kind of woman, which in turn, answers why you are so attracted to nutty girls, projects, or psychos. This helps understand why you ended up in the friend zone, while the ‘bad’ boyfriend get laid.For some girls, it just getting caught up with a bad boy and having one or two bad relationships. After them, it’s out of their system, and the girls end up having a good guy later on. A lot girls go through their bad boy phase during their young adult life. And you got in the cross fire of it.

But if you are dealing with a girl who typically dated bad boys in the past? It speaks volumes about her past. This is the biggest clue that can answer who/what she’s attracted to–chaos, alcoholics/drug addicts, abuse, trauma, extreme amounts of arousal(dangerous kinky sex), drama– you may have a nutty girl on your hands.

According to Dr. Drew Pinsky M.D., Board Certified Physician and Addiction Medical Specialist and co-host of Loveline radio show, ‘whatever was terrorizing growing up becomes overwhelming attractive later on.’

For example, growing up with an abusive father or lack of a father setups up girls with an overwhelming powerful attraction towards abandoning, unavailable men–emotionally, physically, or both. In other words, Cindy melts for Johnny when he doesn’t call back, or he gets jealous and punches the guy who flirted with Cindy at the party.

That’s chaos.

Typically, the more trauma she experiences at the hands of her family, the more likely she’s attracted to chaotic relationships. It manifests in the fights she always talked to you about, the late night phone calls and tears, and always delightful returning to the boyfriend. The emotions are everywhere and are hardly contained or effectively regulated.

Here’ a scenario that some men run across: after a series of bad relationships with the bad boys, she does the math and wants a good guy now. Great! Here’s your chance, right? Well, maybe you’re looking at an uphill battle. The attraction towards chaos is wired in pretty good. A nice, stable relationship is and can very well be uncomfortable for her because it means vulnerability, stability, and real intimacy–things that lacked before growing up are now in front of her, full swing. Now a relationship can happen, but it’s going to be challenging.

Even if you do get things rolling, she may throw a wretch in the relationship: she will pick fights with you (nothing fights), find you annoying for doing good things, and ultimately attempt to sabotage a relationship by cheating, or enticing you to cheat, pushing you away, or so on.

The family system really plays a big role in people’s relationships towards each other. People’s interpersonal relationships towards their significant others and their friends gives huge clues to the nature of people and their experiences. Parents who don’t create a stable environment and reciprocate in their children emotional development find the past tends to repeat itself over and over again. For example, dad abandoned the family young, and she gets knocked up to a meathead boyfriend who, shockingly, was nowhere to be found when the pregnancy test cames back positive. Hakuna Matata – the circle of life, ladies and gentlemen.

In a nutshell: She ain’t into you and probably won’t ever. You are not going to be picked up by her radar–it’s set to a different vib, which isn’t you. It was casted a long time ago before you, and that’s reality.

Oh, the Embarrassing, Awkward, and Clumsy Years known as High School

Attraction for a guy works far more primitive and simpler.Typically, a guy is into is a good looking woman and that’s basically it. What attracts a guys more or less is the same from guy to guy. Easy on the eyes, the right curves, and a good size,then some differ in preference (boob v butt). But for the dorky guy crushing on the bad girl, here’s what’s spinning his wheels: sex. Shocking, isn’t it?See, the thing is that the bad girl projects sexuality as if she is open for business, kind of like what the bad boy does. Her vib puts it out there: I am hot, and you know it. So your ‘in’ is a friendship with her. This strategy is where a lot guys get stuck.

Here’s the thing: if she dealt with a lot stuff growing up, chances are it did a good number to her. Chaos and trauma, many times, develops what is called borderline split-personality syndrome (not be confused with split-personality). A key characteristic of a borderline is when she can be sexual with a bad guy, but can only open up to a good guy. Those two components can’t be brought together with a good guy because as some may express, “I can’t have sex with you, your my best friend. That would be weird.” This is like walking into a steakhouse, thinking you can eat, but the entire time is spent in the waiting area, watching that bad boy chow down some food and asking yourself, ‘when is my turn?’

Another interesting point is that you are attracted to projects because you want to fix them. You want to be that knight in shining armor. Part of this whole thing, crushing, is wanting to play doctor, and idealizing her as a distress princess. This places her on a pedestal, instead of seeing her in terms of reality: she’s got issues to deal with and you can’t fix them for her.

Fixing doesn’t work. Playing knight effectively puts you in the friend zone because of that trust you build. I understand you want to develop that trust, but you not being present emotionally. Instead you’re trying to fix, not listen to her. Besides you can’t fix her because you don’t have the education, experience, training, or expertise to do so. To believe so is naive and foolish. It’s like saying you flip a broken down house with just your hammer and a class in wood shop. Furthermore, if you focus on playing doctor, you don’t focus on your stuff. It’s a way to conveniently distract yourself from your issues.

So you make a move: roses, poetry, letters, gifts, etc. Result: nothing, but an awkward embarrassment. You do that thing, “oh our friendship means a lot to me. So I got you some chocolates.” But it’s more like what Chris Rock famously said when a guy goes out of his way to do something nice, “Want some dick?”

When a girls says, “I hate romantic things. Gifts, flowers, chocolates. All of it,thumbs down.” or something to that effect—GIFTS ARE THE HALLMARK OF THE GOOD GUY!!!! Run. Run. Run. This girl is not good for you.

But you still give a gift that Christmas, rationalizing it’s Christmas, and she’s your friend.

You see, the roses, letters, and the theater of asking her out, you think is romantic, but she thinks that’s all uncomfortable and your a spas. More so, it screams out: virgin. Bad girls don’t get excited over a virgin undying love, romantic poems, or vibrant flowers. They get excited over drama, chaos, and sex.

Declare a Major

If you are attracted to a girl, go ahead a declare yourself early on. That means putting yourself out there and expressing some interest. Slow down, though. It doesn’t mean lay it all out there as soon you have a chance because that’s desperate, and that’s like a sunk to a girl. The movie, Office Space, when Ron Livingston asks out Jeniffer Aniston is good example of non-spastic way of asking a girl out. In fact, be less like Duckie from Sixteen Candles and be more like, “the rated R guy you are not that sure about.” thank you Swingers.

With some final words about bad boys, girls, and good guys, I know I am generalizing heavily, but if someone pulled me aside when I was a teenager and gave me a heads up, it would saved me a lot energy, and bruises to the ego, and not to mentioned a lot embarrassing moments. And also, I am playing with the odds here on human nature. In Vegas, the house usually wins.

About bad boys: not all bad boys are jerks or assholes. They are just more effective in getting the girl because they are able to interact in their terms, which means interacting like an 18 year old. Or they just plainly have more confidence.

About nutty girls: not every nutty girl is doomed to have bad relationships either. In fact, in a relationship, some of that energy can be a source of renewal, passion, and refreshing pool of motivation. It maybe a source of excitement and adventure that carries on for a long time.

About good guys: staying focus on building yourself into a better student, worker, human, or whatever, and you’ll have a payday. The hot girl who wouldn’t give you a time and day a year ago might now look you up when you have a managerial job, or doing what you love to do as a job. Building yourself better is building confidence. And that trumps almost everything.